By Michele Weiner-Davis

Hi Michele,

I'd like to ask your advice about sex. My husband and I have very different sex drives. For him, everyday would be great, and twice a day would be greater. For me, once a week, but to accommodate him, I'd have sex twice a week. I don't think I'm abnormal, but he asks, "What's wrong with you?" I say it's normal for a couple to have sex once or twice a week. He says he doesn't care about 'normal', it's not enough for him. He has a point, but everyday and even every other day is too much for me. We've been married almost 20 years and have both built up a lot of resentment towards each other. He, because of the sex, and me, for a whole lot of other marital problems. I never did have a high sex drive, even before we were married. Neither of us know how to solve this problem, but it's a big one.

Kathy

Dear Kathy,

I am very glad that you are asking for feedback about your sexual relationship with your husband because the patterns in your marriage are so common that others reading your letter and my response might benefit greatly.

First of all, know that testosterone, one of the hormones responsible for sex drive, is 20-40% higher in men than women. Though it is not always the case, it is very common for men to desire sex more often than their wives. This gender difference often creates problems in marriages, particularly when people blame each other for being different. Men think their wives are passionless and women think their husbands are sex maniacs. (I write about this in Getting Through to the Man You Love). Blame is the thing that destroys marriages, not differences in libido.

When men and women have substantially different sex drives, something interesting happens. Most women need to feel close to their partners emotionally to desire sex. Women need to spend time with their partners, to communicate on a deep level and feel like they're team mates in regards to housework and kids and so on. All this has to be in place for most women to really desire their men.

Men, on the other hand, generally need to feel close to their partners physically before they invest a great deal of energy into their relationships. So she's waiting for him to be more intimate emotionally and he's waiting for her to be more tuned into him physically and the resentment that results in this waiting game is so huge, it's beyond belief.

That being said, it's really important for both of you to become more understanding of each other. This means you both need to try to imagine what it would be like to live in each others shoes for a while. He probably walks around feeling that if you loved him more, you would be more sensitive to his needs. He undoubtedly feels hurt and rejected and might even question his sex appeal.

You probably feel that if he loved you more, he would be satisfied having sex once or twice a week. He would also be more responsive to the other issues concerning you in your marriage that you alluded to in your message. You also probably walk around feeling bad that he never seems satisfied, that no matter what you do, he's always unhappy. This isn't a pleasant feeling when you love your partner.

Look, Kathy, one of you needs to be the big one here to break out of the vicious circle. Since you wrote to me, I'm counting on you. It could just as easily be your husband, but since I don't have his ear (eye), I'm going to direct my advice to you.

First of all, know that you're right about the average amount of sex most American couples have per week. Know also that that statistic isn't worth a dime because your husband isn't fazed by it. So he'll go on being resentful, angry and distant. The upshot is that you need to make him feel better about your sexual relationship. When you do, I promise you, he'll be more responsive to you. Thousands of women have told me this has been true in their lives.

There are lots of ways to accomplish this. Some may be more appealing to you than others, but don't rule anything out just yet.

1. Flirt with him.

Do you remember the early part of your relationship? Even though you were never highly sexed, didn't you flirt more in the beginning, pat him on the butt, tell him he looks great, and so on. This makes a difference.

2. Put other things aside and make time.

Sometimes, women place too much priority on everything else they have to do and make their sexual relationships last on their lists. Examine if this is true for you. If so, other things can wait. Your marriage can be better than ever if you reprioritize your time.

3. Even if you're not in the mood, do it anyway...sometimes.

So many women have told me that they can jumpstart their sex drive by just getting started. Once they're into it...they're into it.

4. Consider just pleasing him.

If you're really not in the mood for sex, your husband may be satisfied if you do something nice for him once in a while.

5. Discover new ways to rev up your interest.

Let's face it, girl, after so many years of marriage, you might need something new to renew your interest. Cast your inhibitions to the wind and experiment with anything that might intrigue you.

Okay, I can almost hear you saying, "Why do I have to do all the work?" Kathy, just remember that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. The more responsive you are to his needs, the more responsive he'll be to you.

I want you to know that I really understand how difficult this has been for you during your 20 years of marriage and I'm proud of you for hanging in there. It says a lot about your (and your husband's) strength and character.

Try being a little more receptive to your man and let me know what happens.

Take care,

Michele

2006 Copyright - Michele Weiner-Davis. All rights reserved. http://www.divorcebusting.com

By Michele Weiner-Davis

The Chicago Tribune asked its readers, "Should couples stay in unhappy marriages for the sake of the kids?" I felt compelled to respond and here's what they printed:

Chicago Tribune

As the author of the book, Divorce Busting, and someone who has a keen interest in the impact of divorce on families, I am eager to respond to your question, "Do you think a couple should stay in an unhappy marriage if they have children?"

First of all, the question implies that once a marriage is unhappy, it will stay that way. This is an unfortunate assumption. We have come a very long way in the last few years in deciphering the formula for making marriages successful and happy. Couples can now take valuable relationship skill-building classes where they can learn how to transform an empty, unhappy marriage into a more loving one. It isn't magic. When you have children, you owe it to them to leave absolutely no stone unturned if you are considering dissolving your marriage. Once a marriage dissolves, so too, does the family... forever.

Research tells us that children benefit from divorce only in those situations where there is extreme abuse. It is estimated that only one third of the divorces in our country fit this criteria. In all other cases, children lose out on many different dimensions when their parents split. Even when the adults feel happier as a result of divorce, research shows that there is no "trickle down effect" in terms of how the children fare.

With only minor exception, anyone in an unhappy marriage can do something about it. You don't have to and shouldn't live in misery. Once you choose to bring children into the world, divorce isn't a solution to an unhappy marriage. Fixing it is.

2006 Copyright - Michele Weiner-Davis. All rights reserved. http://www.divorcebusting.com/

By Michele Weiner-Davis

It amazes me that most people decide to end their marriages without seeking professional help. The decision of whether to divorce or not is probably the most important decision anyone will ever make. Yet, the fact remains that only a minority of people in the throes of marital problems consult marriage therapists.

Truth be told, seeking professional advice for your marital problems is no guarantee things will improve. In fact, many people have told me that their so-called marriage therapy even made things worse. Most therapists are well-meaning, but not always qualified to do marital therapy. That's why I want to offer some guidelines for you to consider should you seek professional help to improve your marriage.

• Make sure your therapist has received specific training and is experienced in marital therapy. Too often, therapists say they do couples therapy or marital therapy if they have two people sitting in the office. This is incorrect. Marital therapy requires very different skills than doing individual therapy. Individual therapists usually help people identify and process feelings. They assist them in achieving personal goals. "How do you feel about that,?" is their mantra.

Couples therapists, on the other hand, need to be skilled at helping people overcome the differences that naturally occur when two people live under the same roof. They need to know what makes a marriage tick. A therapist can be very skilled as an individual therapist and be clueless about helping couples change. For this reason, don't be shy. Ask your therapist about his or her training and experience.

• Make sure your therapist is biased in the direction of helping you find solutions to your marital problems rather than helping you leave your marriage when things get rocky. Feel free to ask about the therapist's feelings about the point at which s/he sees divorce to be a viable alternative. Your therapist's response will be very revealing.

• You should feel comfortable and respected by your therapist. You should feel that he or she understands your perspective and feelings. If your therapist sides with you or your spouse, that's not good. No one should feel ganged up on. If you aren't comfortable with something your therapist is suggesting- like setting a deadline to make a decision about your marriage- say so. If your therapist honors your feedback, that's a good sign. If not, leave.

• The therapist's own values about relationships definitely play a part in what he or she does and is interested in when working with you. Since there are few universal rules for being and staying in love, if your therapist insists that there is only one way to have a successful marriage, find another therapist.

Also, although some people think that their therapist is able to tell when a person should stop trying to work on their marriage, therapists really don't have this sort of knowledge. If they say things like, "It seems that you are incompatible," or "Why are you willing to put up with this,?" or "It is time to move on with your life," they are simply laying their own values on you. This is an unethical act, in my opinion.

• Make sure you (and your partner) and your therapist set concrete goals early on. If you don't, you will probably meet each week with no clear direction. Once you set goals, you should never lose sight of them. If you don't begin to see some progress within two or three sessions, you should address your concern with your therapist.

• It's my belief that couples in crisis don't have the luxury to analyze how they were raised in order to find solutions to their marital problems. If your therapist is focusing on the past, suggest a future-orientation. If he or she isn't willing to take your lead, find a therapist who will.

• Know that most marital problems are solvable. Don't let your therapist tell you that change is impossible. Human beings are amazing and they are capable to doing great things- especially for people they love.

• Most of all, trust your instincts. If your therapist is helping, you'll know it. If he or she isn't, you'll know that too. Don't stay with a therapist who is just helping you tread water. Find one who will help you swim.

• Finally, the best way to find a good therapist is word-of-mouth. Satisfied customers say a lot about the kind of therapy you will receive. Although you might feel embarrassed to ask friends or family for a referral, you should consider doing it anyway. It increases the odds you'll find a therapist who will really help you and your spouse.

So don't give up on therapy, give up on bad therapy. You be the judge. There's a lot to be gained from seeking the advice of a third party who can help you find simple solutions to life's complicated problems. Happy divorce busting!

2006 Copyright - Michele Weiner-Davis. All rights reserved. http://www.divorcebusting.com

By Michele Weiner-Davis

You're really mad at your partner. You've explained your point of view a million times. S/he never listens. You can't believe that a person can be so insensitive. So, you wait. You're convinced that eventually s/he will have to see the light; that you're right and s/he's wrong. In the meantime, there's silence. But the tension is so thick in your house, you can cut it with a knife. You hate the distance, but there's nothing you can do about it because you're mad. You're really mad.

You try to make yourself feel better by getting involved in other things. Sometimes this even works. But you wake up every morning facing the fact that nothing's changed at all. A feeling of dissatisfaction permeates everything you do. From time to time, you ask yourself, "Is there something I should do differently,?" but you quickly dismiss this thought because you know that, in your heart of hearts, you're not the one to blame. So the distance between you and your partner persists.

Does any of this sound familiar? Have you and your partner been so angry with each other that you've gone your separate ways and stopped interacting with each other? Have you convinced yourself that, until s/he initiates making up, there will be no peace in your house? If so, I have few things I want to tell you.

You are wasting precious energy holding on to your anger. It's exhausting to feel resentment day in and day out. It takes a toll on your body and soul. It's bad for your health and hard on your spirit. It's awful for your relationship. Anger imprisons you. It casts a gray cloud over your days. It prevents you from feeling real joy in any part of your life. Each day you drown yourself in resentment is another day lost out of your life. What a waste!

I have worked with so many people who live in quiet desperation because they are utterly convinced that their way of seeing things is right and their partner's is wrong. They spend a lifetime trying to get their partners to share their views. I hear, "I'll change if s/he changes," a philosophy that ultimately leads to a stalemate. There are many variations of this position. For example, "I'd be nicer to her, if she were nicer to me," or "I'd be more physical and affectionate if he were more communicative with me," or "I'd be more considerate and tell her about my plans if she wouldn't hound me all the time about what I do." You get the picture… "I'll be different if you start being different first." Trust me when I tell you that this can be a very, very long wait.

There's a much better way to view things when you and your partner get stuck like this. I've been working with couples for years and I've learned a lot about how change occurs in relationships. It's like a chain reaction. If one person changes, the other one does too. It really doesn't matter who starts first. It's simply a matter of tipping over the first domino. Change is reciprocal. Let me give you an example.

I worked with a woman who was very distressed about her husband's long hours at work. She felt they spent very little time together as a couple and that he was of little help at home. This infuriated her. Every evening when he returned home from work, her anger got the best of her and she criticized him for bailing out on her. Inevitably, the evening would be ruined. The last thing he wanted to do after a long day at work was to deal with problems the moment in walked in the door. Although she understood this, she was so hurt and angry about his long absences that she felt her anger was justified. She wanted a suggestion from me about how to get her husband to be more attentive and loving. She was at her wit's end.

I told her that I could completely understand why she was frustrated and that, if I were in her shoes, I would feel exactly the same way. However, I wondered if she could imagine how her husband might feel about her nightly barrage of complaints. "He probably wishes he didn't have to come home," she said. "Precisely," I thought to myself, and I knew she was ready to switch gears. I suggested that she try an experiment. "Tonight when he comes home, surprise him with an affectionate greeting. Don't complain, just tell him you're happy to see him. Do something kind or thoughtful that you haven't done in a long time…even if you don't feel like it." "You mean like fixing him his favorite meal or giving him a warm hug? I used to do that a lot." "That's exactly what I mean," I told her, and we discussed other things she might do as well. She agreed to give it a try.

Two weeks later she returned to my office and told me about the results of her "experiment."

"That first night after I talked with you I met him at the door and, without a word, gave him a huge hug. He looked astounded, but curious. I made him his favorite pasta dish, which was heavy on the garlic, so he smelled the aroma the moment he walked in. Immediately, he commented on it and looked pleased. We had a great evening together, the first in months. I was so pleased and surprised by his positive reaction that I felt motivated to keep being 'the new me.' Since then things between us have been so much better, it's amazing. He's come home earlier and he's even calling me from work just to say hello. I can't believe the change in him. I'm so much happier this way."

The moral of this story is obvious. When one partner changes, the other partner changes too. It's a law of relationships. If you aren't getting what you need or want from your loved one, instead of trying to convince him or her to change, why not change your approach to the situation? Why not be more pragmatic? If what you're doing (talking to your partner about the error of his/her ways) hasn't been working, no matter how sterling your logic, you're not going to get very far. Be more flexible and creative. Be more strategic. Spend more time trying to figure out what might work as opposed to being hell bent on driving your point home. You might be pleasantly surprised. Remember, insanity has been defined as doing the same old thing over and over and expecting different results.

Look, life is short. We only have one go-around. Make your relationship the best it can possibly be. Stop waiting for your partner to change in order for things to be better. When you decide to change first, it will be the beginning of a solution avalanche. Try it, you'll like it!

2006 Copyright - Michele Weiner-Davis. All rights reserved. http://www.divorcebusting.com/

By Michele Weiner-Davis

"Thank you very much for your article on the Marriage Map.  I am newly married (five months) and admittedly somewhere between Stages II and III.  I thought there was something wrong with me and us until I read your article.  Thank you -- you are a God-send!" SP from South Dakota

As a long-time observer of relationships, I can tell you that, like children, marriages go through different developmental stages and predictable crises. But because people are unfamiliar with the normal hills and valleys of marriage, these predictable transitional periods are often misunderstood, causing over-reactions. Those who manage to weather these universal stormy periods usually come out the other side with greater love and commitment to their spouses. That's why I want to offer you a Marriage Map.

Stage One- Passion prevails

Head over heels in love, you can't believe how lucky you are to have met your lover. Much to your amazement, you have so much in common: you enjoy the same hobbies, music, restaurants and movies. You can finish each other's sentences. When you pick up the phone to call your partner, he or she is already on the line calling you. When little, annoying things pop up, they're dismissed and overlooked.

At no other time in your relationship is your feeling of well being and physical desire for each other as intense as it is during this romantic period. The newness and excitement of the relationship stimulates the production of chemicals in your bodies that increase energy, positive attitudes and heighten sexuality and sensuality. While in this naturally produced state of euphoria, you decide to commit to spending the rest of their lives together. And marry, you do. But soon, your joy gives way to an inevitable earth-shattering awakening; marriage isn't at all what you expected it to be.

Stage Two- What was I thinking?

In some ways, stage two is the most difficult because it is here that you experience the biggest fall. After all, how many miles is it from bliss to disillusionment? Millions. For starters, reality sets in. The little things start to bother you. You realize that your spouse has stinky breath in the morning, spends way too long on the toilet, leaves magazines and letters strewn on the kitchen counter, and never wraps food properly before it's put in the refrigerator.

Although you once thought you and your spouse were kindred spirits, you now realize that there are many, many differences between you. You're confused. You argue about everything. When you remind yourself you made a life-long commitment, you start to understand the real meaning of eternity.

Ironically, it is in the midst of feeling at odds with your once kindred spirit that you are faced with making all sorts of life-altering decisions, such as whether and when to have children, where to live, who will support the family, who will handle the bills, how your free time will be spent, how in-laws fit in to your lives, and who will do the cooking. Just at the time when a team spirit would have come in mighty handy, spouses often start to feel like opponents. So they spend the next decade or so trying to get their partners to change, which triggers stage three.

Stage Three- Everything would be great if you changed

In this stage of marriage, most people believe that there are two ways of looking at things, your spouse's way and your way, also known as the Right Way. And rather than brainstorm creative solutions, couples often battle tenaciously to get their partners to admit they are wrong. That's because every point of disagreement is an opportunity to define the marriage. Over time, both partners dig in their heels deeper and deeper.

Now is the time when many people face a fork in the marital road. Three choices become apparent. Convinced they've tried everything, some people give up. They tell themselves they've fallen out of love or married the wrong person and they divorce. Other people resign themselves to the status quo and decide to lead separate lives. But there are still others who decide that it's time to begin to investigate healthier and more satisfying ways of interacting. Although the latter option requires a major leap of faith, those who take this leap are the fortunate ones because the best of marriage is yet to come.

Stage Four- That's just the way s/he is

In stage four, we finally come to terms with the fact that we are never going to see eye-to-eye with our partners about everything and we have to figure out what we must do to live more peaceably. We look to others for suggestions; we seek religious counsel, talk to close friends and family, attend marital therapy, read self-help books, or take a relationship seminar. Those of us who are more private look inward and seek solutions there.

We more readily forgive our spouses for their hardheadedness, and recognize that we aren't exactly easy to live with either. When disagreements occur, we make more of an effort to put ourselves in our partner's shoes. We recognize that, as with everything in life, we have to accept the good with the bad. Fights happen less frequently and when they occur, they're not as intense or as emotional as in the earlier years of marriage. And because we're smart enough to have reached this stage, we reap the benefits of the fifth, and final stage.

Stage Five- Together, at last

It is really a tragedy that half of all couples who wed never get to stage five, when all the pain and hard work of the earlier stages really begins to pay off. Since you are no longer in a struggle to define who you are and what the marriage should be, there is more peace and harmony. You start "liking" your spouse again.

By the time you reach stage five, you have a shared history. And although you'd both agree that marriage hasn't been easy, you feel proud that you've weathered the storms. You appreciate your partner's sense of commitment to making your marriage last. You feel more secure about yourself as a person and you begin to appreciate the differences between you and your spouse. And what you don't appreciate, you find greater acceptance for. If you have children, they're older and more independent, allowing you to focus on your marriage again, like in the old days. And you start having "old day feelings" again. You have come full circle.

I'm certain that if more couples realized that there really is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, they'd be more willing to tough it out through the downpour. The problem is, most people fool themselves into thinking that whatever stage they are in at the moment, is where they will be forever. But it's important to remember that nothing lasts forever. There are seasons to everything in life, including marriage. The wiser and more mature you become, the more you realize this. The more you realize this, the more time you and your spouse spend hanging out in stage five. Together again, at last.

Copyright 2006 Michele Weiner-Davis. All rights reserved. http://www.divorcebusting.com

By Michele Weiner-Davis

Life certainly has its challenges, but little compares to the monumental task of healing from infidelity. As a marriage therapist for two decades, I've heard countless clients confess that the discovery of an affair was the lowest, darkest moment of their entire lives. And because affairs shatter trust, many seriously contemplate ending their marriages.

However, it's important to know that, no matter how bleak things might seem, it's possible to revitalize a marriage wounded by infidelity. It's not easy- there are no quick-fix, one-size-fits-all solutions- but years of experience has taught me that there are definite patterns to what people in loving relationships do to bring their marriages back from the brink of disaster.

Let the healing begin...

Healing from infidelity involves teamwork; both spouses must be fully committed to the hard work of getting their marriages back on track. The unfaithful partner must be willing to end the affair and do whatever it takes to win back the trust of his or her spouse. The betrayed spouse must be willing to find ways to manage overwhelming emotions so, as a couple, they can begin to sort out how the affair happened, and more importantly, what needs to change so that it never happens again. Although no two people, marriages or paths to recovery are identical, it's helpful to know that healing typically happens in stages.

If you recently discovered that your spouse has been unfaithful, you will undoubtedly feel a whole range of emotions- shock, rage, hurt, devastation, disillusionment, and intense sadness. You may have difficulty sleeping or eating, or feel completely obsessed with the affair. If you are an emotional person, you may cry a lot. You may want to be alone, or conversely, feel at your worst when you are. While unpleasant, these reactions are perfectly normal.

Although you might be telling yourself that your marriage will never improve, it will, but not immediately. Healing from infidelity takes a long time. Just when you think things are looking up, something reminds you of the affair and you go downhill rapidly. It's easy to feel discouraged unless you both keep in mind that intense ups and downs are the norm. Eventually, the setbacks will be fewer and far between.

Although some people are more curious than others, it's very common to have lots of questions about the affair, especially initially. If you have little interest in the facts, so be it. However, if you need to know what happened, ask. Although the details may be uncomfortable to hear, just knowing your spouse is willing to "come clean" helps people recover. As the unfaithful spouse, you might feel tremendous remorse and guilt, and prefer avoiding the details entirely, but experience shows that this is a formula for disaster. Sweeping negative feelings and lingering questions under the carpet makes genuine healing unlikely.

Once there is closure on what actually happened, there is typically a need to know why it happened. Betrayed spouses often believe that unless they get to the bottom of things, it could happen again. Unfortunately, since the reasons people stray can be quite complex, the "whys" aren't always crystal clear.

No one "forces" anyone to be unfaithful. Infidelity is a decision, even if doesn't feel that way. If you were unfaithful, it's important to examine why you allowed yourself to do something that could threaten your marriage. Were you satisfying a need to feel attractive? Are you having a mid-life crisis? Did you grow up in a family where infidelity was a way of life? Do you have a sexual addiction?

It's equally important to explore whether your marriage is significantly lacking. Although no marriage is perfect, sometimes people feel so unhappy, they look to others for a stronger emotional or physical connection. They complain of feeling taken for granted, unloved, resentful, or ignored. Sometimes there is a lack of intimacy or sexuality in the marriage.

If unhappiness with your spouse contributed to your decision to have an affair, you need to address your feelings openly and honestly so that together you can make some changes. If open communication is a problem, consider seeking help from a qualified marital therapist or taking a communication skill-building class. There are many available through religious organizations, community colleges and mental health settings.

Another necessary ingredient for rebuilding a marriage involves the willingness of unfaithful spouses to demonstrate sincere regret and remorse. You can't apologize often enough. You need to tell your spouse that you will never commit adultery again. Although, since you are working diligently to repair your relationship, you might think your intentions to be monogamous are obvious, they aren't. Tell your spouse of your plans to take your commitment to your marriage to heart. This will be particularly important during the early stages of recovery when mistrust is rampant.

Conversely, talking about the affair can't be the only thing you do. Couples who successfully rebuild their marriages recognize the importance of both talking about their difficulties and spending time together without discussing painful topics. They intentionally create opportunities to reconnect and nurture their friendship. They take walks, go out to eat or to a movie, develop new mutual interests and so on. Betrayed spouses will be more interested in spending discussion-free time after the initial shock of the affair has dissipated.

Ultimately, the key to healing from infidelity involves forgiveness, which is frequently the last step in the healing process. The unfaithful spouse can do everything right- be forthcoming, express remorse, listen lovingly and act trustworthy, and still, the marriage won't mend unless the betrayed person forgives his or her spouse and the unfaithful spouse forgives him or herself. Forgiveness opens the door to real intimacy and connection.

But forgiveness doesn't just happen. It is a conscious decision to stop blaming, make peace, and start tomorrow with a clean slate. If the past has had you in its clutches, why not take the next step to having more love in your life? Decide to forgive today.

2006 Copyright - Michele Weiner-Davis. All rights reserved. http://www.divorcebusting.com

By Michele Weiner-Davis

Did you know that of the over one million marriages that will end in divorce this year, two thirds to three quarters of those divorces will be filed for by women? What is this so-called, "Walk-away Wife" syndrome all about?

In the early years of marriage, women are the relationship caretakers. They carefully monitor their relationships to make sure there is enough closeness and connection. If not, women will do what they can to try to fix things. If their husbands aren't responsive, women become extremely unhappy and start complaining about everything under the sun... things that need to get done around the house, responsibilities pertaining to the children, how free time is spent and so on. Unfortunately, when women complain, men generally retreat and the marriage deteriorates even more.

After years of trying unsuccessfully to improve things, a woman eventually surrenders and convinces herself that change isn't possible. She ends up believing there's absolutely nothing she can do because everything she's tried hasn't worked. That's when she begins to carefully map out the logistics of what she considers to be the inevitable, getting a divorce.

While she's planning her escape, she no longer tries to improve her relationship or modify her partner's behavior in any way. She resigns herself to living in silent desperation until "D Day." Unfortunately, her husband views his wife's silence as an indication that "everything is fine." After all, the "nagging" has ceased. That's why, when she finally breaks the news of the impending divorce, her shell-shocked partner replies, "I had no idea you were unhappy."

Then, even when her husband undergoes real and lasting changes, it's often too late. The same impenetrable wall that for years shielded her from pain, now prevents her from truly recognizing his genuine willingness to change. The relationship is in the danger zone.

If you are a woman who fits this description, please don't give up. I have seen so many men make amazing changes once they truly understand how unhappy their wives have been. Sometimes men are slow to catch on, but when they do, their determination to turn things around can be astounding. I have seen many couples strengthen their marriages successfully even though it seemed an impossible feat. Give your husband another chance. Let him prove to you that things can be different. Keep your family together. Divorce is not a simple answer. It causes unimaginable pain and suffering. It takes an enormous amount of energy to face each day. Why not take this energy and learn some new skills and make your marriage what you've wanted it to be for so long?

If you're a man reading this and your wife has been complaining or nagging, thank her. It means she still cares about you and your marriage. She's working hard to make your love stronger. Spend time with her. Talk to her. Compliment her. Pay attention. Take her seriously. Show her that she's the most important thing in the world to you.

Perhaps your wife is no longer open to your advances because she's a soon-to-be walkaway wife. If so, read the posts on the divorcebusting.com messageboard. Don't crowd her. Don't push. Be patient. If you demonstrate you can change and she still has eyes... and a heart, you might just convince her to give your marriage another try.

2006 Copyright - Michele Weiner-Davis. All rights reserved.http://www.DivorceBusting.com

Keeping the "passion" in marriage is an issue for almost all couples—whether or not there's been an affair.

Much of the excitement of an affair is due to the very nature of it being secretive and forbidden. This automatically makes sex in an affair seem different from real-life "legitimate" sex in marriage. But the sexual relationship in an affair is not real in that it has more to do with acting out a fantasy than with anything about real feelings between real people.

While it's understandably frustrating to feel you can't compete with the excitement in an affair, that excitement is very superficial and inevitably fades with time (unless a person goes from one affair to another, constantly keeping the excitement that only comes from constant "newness"). So an affair is not a useful sexual standard by which to gauge marital sex.

It's critical to understand that even though marital sex may seem less "exciting," it is not less desirable; it's just different. It has its own unique form of intensity and excitement, both of which emerge from a deeper connection between you and your partner.

Eventually, in the best relationships, the best sex is based on the pleasure of full openness to another person without anxiety, uncertainty, or fear. In fact, feeling fully open and connected to another person (in life in general and in sex in particular) can result in a better sexual relationship than is possible in the momentary excitement from the novelty of sex with someone new.

The best sex does not come from "working on it" or "talking about it;" it comes from feeling free to be totally open to each other so that you really know each other—as each of you shares your hopes, fears, desires, goals. Forging a deep connection based on full honesty with each other and vulnerability to each other allows the sexual feeling to naturally flow as a byproduct of that closeness.

This process of constantly learning more about each other (as each person grows and changes) provides a sense of newness that can allow your sex life to be better than any superficial connection with someone else. So the best way to enjoy life-long "exciting" sex is not from tricks, "spice," or gimmicks, but from really knowing each other on a deep level so you feel free to let the natural sexual feeling flow.

Credit:
Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth and host of www.dearpeggy.com

1. Marriage matters. Married people & their kids do better on all measures of health, wealth, happiness, & success. And, married folks report having more & better sex than single or divorced people.

2. It's not the differences but how we handle them that separate successful marriages from the failures. Disagreeing doesn’t predict divorce. Stonewalling, avoidance, contempt, criticism, and the silent treatment predict divorce. Learn how to disagree in ways that help you fall more in love.

3. All happily married couples have approximately ten irreconcilable differences - ten issues they will never resolve. If we switch partners, we just get ten new issues that are likely to be even more annoying and complicated. Sadly, if there are children from an earlier marriage or relationship, disagreements about them go to the top of the list. What's important is to discuss our own set of issues just as we would discuss how to manage living with a chronic bad back or trick knee. We wish they weren't there, but what’s important is to keep talking about how to manage them and still do the marriage “dance”.

4. Love is not an absolute (a yes or no situation) and it’s not limited substance. It's a feeling and feelings ebb and flow depending on how we treat each other. We can learn new ways to interact and the feelings “of being in love” can come flowing back, often stronger than before.

5. Marital satisfaction often dips with the birth of a baby. That's normal. Marital satisfaction is at its lowest when there are kids in the house between 11 and 16. That's normal. We need to know what to expect, appreciate our parenting partner – and hang in. It makes good sense to stay married for the sake of the kids - and for our own sake. Even with the challenges, it’s a lot easier to be a parenting team than to be a single, divorced, or remarried parent. Plus there is a silver lining: satisfaction goes back up with the empty nest. The final stage of marriage – with a job well done – is the real honeymoon period.

6. Sex ebbs and flows. It comes and goes. That's normal. Plan for & make time for more “flows”.

7. Creating good marital sex is not about putting the sizzle BACK INTO your sex life. Early marital sex is sex between strangers – we don't yet know our partner or ourselves. The most passionate sex is intimate sex based on knowing our partner and letting them know us. One of the most important tasks of marriage is to develop a satisfying marital sex style. It's not about going BACK; it's about going FORWARD, together.

8. Repair attempts are crucial and are highly predictive of marital happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic, but the willingness to make up after an argument, is central to every happy marriage.

9. Learn to welcome, embrace and integrate change – to discuss and update your wishes, hopes & dreams – on a regular basis. We often “interview” each other before marriage and then think "that's it." The marriage vow is a promise to stay married, not to stay the same. (Thank goodness!) Keep up-to-date with changes in your partner. Don’t fear changes, celebrate them!

10. Try several different marriage education courses. Become informed consumers – rate the courses, discuss what you liked best – which ideas were most helpful. Decide which courses to recommend to your kids, friends and family – which to give as wedding, anniversary and new baby gifts. The courses don't tell you what kind of marriage to have. That's up to you. They give you the tools – the hammers, screwdrivers, and levels – so you can build the kind of marriage that suits you, one which can help you to negotiate, and renegotiate, your own values, meaning, and goals.

Find a class at http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html Strengthen your own marriage and/or learn how to become a Marriage Educator and teach the courses in your community.

Diane Sollee, founder director, www.SmartMarriages.com®
Copyright® CMFCE

Many people think the goal of life is to be happy. I don’t think so.

Have you ever been to a funeral? That’s not a time to be happy. It’s a time to be sad. Did you ever take the SAT’s, the MCAT’s, or any other important entrance test? That’s not a time to be happy. It’s a time for intensity. Have you ever waited for test results from a medical exam? That’s not a time to be happy. It’s a time to worry. Have you ever encountered a lot of turbulence on an airplane? That’s not a time to be happy. It’s a time to be scared.

The goal of life is NOT to be happy. The goal of life is to know what time it is.

Hi. I’m Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.

“Everything has its season. And there is a time for everything under the heaven.”

“A time to be born and a time to die.”

“A time to weep and time to laugh.”

“A time to wail and time to dance.”

“A time to rend and time to mend.”

“A time to be silent and a time to speak.”

“A time to love and a time to hate.”

“A time for war and a time for peace.”

What time is it for you?

If you’re reading this, then maybe it’s time to renew your marriage. Is so, then subscribe to my FREE report, “7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage” and get my FREE marriage assessment. CLICK HERE to subscribe. It’s FREE.

Warm regards,

Mort Fertel

Author of Marriage Fitness

Marriage Coach

Everybody wants their way. Everybody has to have this and that. Everybody is picking on you. What you are not realizing is that the problem is not everybody. The problem lies dormant in you. In any relationship, the word “me” should hardly come up. I did not realize I had selfish ways until the birth of my first daughter. What clicked was the fact that before she was born, I was angry that I wouldn’t be able to buy the expensive clothes, get my hair, or nails done like I used to. However, when she was born, I realized it was not about “me” any more. It was about us: my daughter and husband (boyfriend at the time). I had brought life’s most precious gift into this world.  I had my daughter at the age of 21 so you can say I was not really ready to have kids or get married. Yes, I was excited when she was born but did not really know what I was getting my self into. Again, my selfish ways had my husband and me clashing all the time about how we were going to raise our daughter. I always had to have my way and the last say so. What I did not realize was my selfishness was hurting our marriage and the strong bond we had. No matter what he said I would always find a reason why he was wrong and I was right. It got to a point where he would just leave to avoid argument and fights. I saw that we were growing further apart and at first I blamed him for not wanting to do things my way, but when I spoke to family and friends they said I was in the wrong and acted selfishly and babyish. When enough people say you are selfish it starts to hit home and that’s when I reevaluated my self and the situation. I realized I was the one hurting my marriage and I needed to do something to get respect back from my husband. Eventually, after constant communication and apologies we were able to mend our relationship.

One reason why some marriages fail is because partners refuse to be held accountable for their actions. Instead of taking responsibility they like to shift the blame on their spouse. This only shows immaturity on your part and how careless and inconsiderate you can be. If you were at fault, admit it, apologize and move on so your relationship with your spouse can remain healthy. Although your partner may forgive you one thing for sure is the fact that they will never forget. It is hard to forget. However, don’t keep bringing the past up in every argument because it only makes your other half more upset and not willing to be accountable for his/her actions because they may feel like you are badgering them. Nobody likes to be badgered. This will probably bring you guys further apart instead of closer together. As women, we tend to hold things in our hearts forever. If we do get a divorce or separate we tend to bring that baggage with us in our next relationship. For this reason, we are still unaware of our accountability for the last failure. Women and men take responsibility for your actions and trust me weight will be lifted from a heavy heart that has been scorned.

Why do men have such a hard time communicating? When they do communicate, they never tell you the complete story and don’t understand why you are suspicious of their actions. For example, your husband goes to a friend’s house and spends practically all night there, but fails to inform you of his where about. When he comes home, you ask him where he has been and he tells you, “I was at a friend’s house.” He never states the name or explains why he didn’t call you. He then gets very upset when you accuse him of being out with another woman. Men really need to improve on their communication skills. Any successful relationship is built upon great communication. All women ask for is an explanation and possible consideration. If we were to pull a stunt like the example mentioned above all hell will break lose. This double standard is what has most women crying in the wee hours of the night and losing their minds because they don’t know where their man is. It is only a small percentage of women who will retaliate by doing the same thing, but the consequence can be grave. They may lose their man or the relationship won’t be the same. The best advice I can give is to talk to him and express how you feel about him not communicating effectively. Most of the time, they will realize they were wrong especially if you ask them, “What would you do if I had went out all night and did not bother to call you or answer the phone?”

Do you think lying in a marriage is healthy? I think in some situations it is. For example, if your husband starts to gain weight and his abs disappear; are you going to tell him he looks fat? I wouldn’t just to avoid conflict and an ugly argument. If you are the type of person that tells it like it is you know what will happen next. He would say “well you look like you put on some weight too.”  The older I get, the more I realize it’s not worth the heartache and anguish to criticize my husband on his physical appearance. We have too many issues internally that we need to focus and work on. For the most part, I love making my husband feel good about himself because if I don’t he will find someone else who will. Most of the time, women don’t realize that they are the reason why many men creep outside the marriage. If you are constantly belittling your husband he is not going to want to be around you because you make him feel miserable and incapable of loving you “the right way.” So the next time your husband asks you if he has gained some weight embellish a little and say, “Yes, but now you look more like a burly man.” It might not be true, however he still feels good about himself and you haven’t crushed his self-esteem. Keep your man as happy and satisfied as possible and he will be yours forever.

It is not shocking to think that compromise could be a reason why most marriages fail. Think about it, we live in a world where every one is concerned only about them. This selfish attitude renders you incapable of trying to see where your spouse is coming from or respecting his/her opinion.   Instead of ignoring their decision see how your decision can tie into theirs. This way everyone will be happy. My husband and I are always coming into conflicts about how to raise the kids, religion, and finances. Finances in most marriages is the most common conflict of all and a main reason marriages end with divorce. There is always one partner who blows money and has a hard time budgeting. In my marriage, I was the one with that problem. I loved to eat out, go shopping, and buy expensive things. Well my spending habits started to strain my marriage and my husband was fed up because at the time I wasn’t willing to compromise. What saved our marriage was the birth of our daughter Camia. I finally realized life wasn’t just about me anymore, I now had an innocent person who depended on me and I had to set an example for her. This is when I realized that compromise was essential in order for my marriage to work and for my daughter’s sake.